Alright Then. (now you are caught up)

Published 03/04/2014 by Kate & Tina Make a Family

So… I kind of went silent for a few days. I’m sure Kate would put a much more positive spin on things, but I’m feeling like a big old failure.

I honestly thought going to the doctor would clear up my insecurity and give me a black or white answer “yes/no, you can create life.” And Kate and I were happy to take whatever that answer was and run with it. … Our executive lesbian plan was in the back pocket for the negative response.

The doctor’s diagnosis was that I have PCOS. I was really surprised. According to him, I don’t have any of the usual indicators of it – no hirsuitism, periods not completely out of whack. I am overweight, but that’s it.

I pride myself on being a healthy overweight person – everything else is in the healthy range – cholesterol, insulin, vitamins (I’m a bit D deficient), thyroid, blah blah…. In fact, my cholesterol has gone down, and my D deficiency has gotten so much better.

But – my hormones are fucked up. Too much testosterone, way too much prolactin, my SBHG was low, and my Free Androgen Index was high.

And now I have this syndrome which no one really knows much about – why, how, what, etc. and the internet has heaps of different responses about how one fixes it – there is no cure, it’s something that you try to manage in different ways, but you can’t fix it. I hate that.

I hate that going to the gym has done nothing. I hate that all anyone can say is that I am fat and that this is a problem and I now feel like I have ruined everything. The last year has been a waste. I don’t like wasting time. I like plans. I like dead lines. I like knowing what my life will be. I like making plans and making them become reality.

I’m frustrated that I couldn’t come in and fix this. That I couldn’t just make us pregnant. When Kate decided to let me get pregnant, I envisioned getting pregnant right away so that she wouldn’t have to feel bad about it not being her. That it wouldn’t rub salt in the wound. I never want her to be sad or upset and now… Here we are.

Very little about this experience has been good for my self esteem. I would say that I am at a worse point than I was when I was a fat teenager, trying desperately to make people not notice how shitty I was. Everyone telling me that my weight was going to kill our chances of becoming pregnant hasn’t helped either. I have been fat for a vast majority of my life. Does that keep me from doing things? No. Even at my most active (dance twice a week, stage combat twice a week, walking about 100 blocks a day when I was in conservatory) I was a size 22.

We haven’t been told we can’t get pregnant. What we have been told is that it will be very difficult. The doctor recommended that I drop about 10% of my body weight (15-ish kilos). I am committed to that. But… That’s not guaranteed to give us a baby. What’s upsetting to me is that he wants to put me on metformin.

I am not sure about going on medicine for a condition I don’t have – it’s used to treat diabetes – and I’m not sure of the actual benefit. To be very honest, I kind of stopped hearing what he was saying after a while. I have a terrible habit of looking engaged and using non verbal communication but not listening. I’m trying to work on it.

The plan is for me to do another round of blood tests to see if he can detect progesterone in my system around ovulation time and to do another AMA test. We are going to try this month too (apparently the HyCoSy raises the chance of conception the month you do it). If it doesn’t work – he is going to refer me to an endocrinologist and we are going to talk about taking a break.

After the appointment I cried a bit… Talked it out with Kate, but because I was in shut down mode, we didn’t get far. She dropped me home (she had to go to work) and even when she got home, I didn’t engage much. I went up to bed at 9:30 and stayed up until very late. Tossed and turned that night. When morning came, I had to go to work – it’s a busy time of year and I couldn’t just not show up. But…. I was allowed to put on headphones and do my reporting and get work done in relative silence.

By 4pm, my boss (a close friend) couldn’t stand it and he pulled me aside and I actually started talking about it. He is very good at reading me and knowing how to interact with me. I was feeling a little lighter by the time I left work that day.

I think so much of the frustration comes from blaming myself. Also – the last 10 months have been forward planning for a baby. (“No, we might be pregnant”, “ooh, but what about possible maternity leave?”) and to find out that it could be years has me in a tailspin. We haven’t discussed the diagnosis with anyone else. (just my boss and Kate know – no family,or interested friends yet.)

I really don’t know what to do. Nothing for Kate and I has been terribly easy (LD relationship, immigration, visas, weddings, blah blah) but she and I are strong. I just wanted this to be a fun, easy thing. It’s starting to not be either of those.

Wait is almost over

Published 03/04/2014 by Kate & Tina Make a Family

Sitting at the train station waiting for Kate to come get me. After that, we are headed to the doctor to find out the results of all the fertility testing.

I know from the HyCoSy that my ovaries are polycystic, but I have been tested previously and I don’t have any of the other symptoms for PCOS.

I also found out my uterus is anteverted, anteflexed, and midline. (?!) Let’s just say that the HyCoSy sucked balls.

I just want to know. My stomach is doing flips and I feel like I could have a panic attack at any moment. I’m all shaky and I feel out of sorts.

So much of me isn’t feeling confident about this. It doesn’t really help that the doctor said that because of my BMI, they won’t medically intervene to help me get pregnant.

One of the girls at work had her first insemination yesterday, so she’s going through her first TWW. I want to be super supportive, but it’s hard. Another of the girls at work found out her fiancé is infertile a bit ago, so it’s been tough. I am glad that I have a pretty good support network at work though.

Kate is also being super positive, where I am (clearly) not. I’m really lucky to have her.

Kate here.

Published 03/04/2014 by Kate & Tina Make a Family

Kate here. It’s been a long, long month, with both lots and nothing at all happening in our TTC adventures.

So, I’m pretty sure we posted about going to see the fertility specialist. He gave Tina a whole boatload of tests to do – first of which was a blood test to see if she’d ovulated that month. Three blood tests later and it turns out she didn’t ovulate.

In the meantime, he has also told me that my not having a period is bad and I really should go back on the pill. This is after we’ve told him that every time I get a period, Tina doesn’t (and vice versa). He seemed quite insistent, so I figured what the hell, I’ll give it a go. I started taking the pill again (last time I took it to try and get a period as well and had maybe 1 day of what someone might constitute as a very light period each month for a couple of months, so I stopped bothering) and at the end of the month I was very much feeling like death. Two days later, the period from hell happened. It has now been 15 days since I got my first signs of it, and I think today will be the last day of anything. I had 10 days of full on, HEAVY bleeding. I haven’t ever had a period last that long in my 22 years of having them. I also haven’t bled even one day like that in about 3 years. The last time I had ANY kind of period was 7 months ago. 18 for anything that you would actually call a period.

So while its party-town up in my uterus this month, Tina’s being told she didn’t ovulate, and then…surprise surprise…her period didn’t show up.

What actually shocked us though, was that it eventually did. About 5 days in to mine, hers arrived. I don’t remember the last time we’ve ever actually both had our period. I think its only happened a handful of times, and we’ve been living together almost 4.5years now. So, more blood tests for her (they took 8 vials of blood in one sitting. JEEZ.) and the HyCoSy ultrasound, and we’re back to seeing what is happening. The HyCoSy looked reasonably positive. Her tubes aren’t blocked & her uterus looks good. She has polycystic ovaries, but not PCOS, so hopefully that won’t be too much of a problem. We just need to make sure she ovulates, so I’m guessing there will be more blood tests this month to check.

Meanwhile… the original plan, way back when we were dreaming this all up, was for me to get pregnant first. That went by the wayside because of the whole lack of period issue. Following my epic period of craziness, it’s got me thinking that maybe I actually could do it…

At this stage, we’re going to stick with the plan. But it’s nice to know that I might actually still work properly.

I’m not taking the pill this month. A) because I don’t want to fuck with Tina’s cycle again, and B) because I kind of want to see if I ovulate.

We have our specialist appointment on Monday for all of the results. We’re both taking half-days from work. Hopefully we’ll have some answers then.

Last night’s try…

Published 23/02/2014 by Kate & Tina Make a Family

…was interesting, to say the least. It was our third insem this cycle and we will have one more tonight and possibly maybe tomorrow, but that’s not clear.

When we do the thing, because I am laying with my hips and legs all in the air (thank god for flexibility) Kate injects the sperm, then puts the menstrual cup in. These are her jobs. My jobs are to not push it all out and hold my body up and open.

We always struggle a bit with our jobs, but we get there in the end. Last night was particularly funny though. When Kate was putting the cup in, I don’t know what method she was using, but it felt like she was closing a jar around me, which made me scream out, “I AM A PERSON!!!” over and over. Then I started laughing, which wasn’t helping keep it in, and Kate lost it which wasn’t helping her get the cup in.

I have no idea how much of it ended up inside me, but it was at least funny. This cycle was full of mishaps and stuff like that. I kind of hope it worked just so we can one day tell our kid the story.

Month 8, try 1.

Published 19/02/2014 by Kate & Tina Make a Family

Hilariousness with our first attempt this month.

I (Kate) sent our donor a message last night saying we’d be ready to go tomorrow and would he be available. He replied this morning saying yep, no problem. We arranged for 5:30 pick up and all was good. So, come 5:25pm we pull up at the park around the corner from his house (so his kids don’t see/ask questions) and I sent him a message saying we were there.

5:55pm, no message back and no sign of him.

I sent him a message again (didn’t call because I wasn’t sure what the deal was with calling him when he was at home because of his kids) and we waited.

And waited.

And waited.

Cut to 7:05pm (1hr 40mins later) I’ve run out of facebook, twitter, work emails to manage, and I’m feeling just about as much of a creeper hanging out in front of a park as I can take, so I decide bugger this – we’ll head to the AWESOME pizza place nearby and have dinner, and if we haven’t heard from him by the time dinner is over, we’ll head home and try and sort it out for tomorrow instead. I’m half way through sending him a message when I got a call from work, and ended up on the phone for 15mins with that. I hung up and had a voicemail – he called!!

He’d read my message this morning, and assumed ‘tomorrow’ (that was written yesterday) meant…tomorrow. Not today. Easy enough mistake to make, and we had a laugh about it. He apologised profusely and 10mins later we were on our way home with a little jar.

It rained all afternoon in Sydney today, and it stopped as we were heading home. We drove home under this:

image

I really, REALLY hope it takes this month, just so we have an awesome story to tell about how we got knocked up.

Fertility testing today

Published 17/02/2014 by Kate & Tina Make a Family

Going for my fertility testing today. I feel like I am going to puke I am so nervous. I just hope there is nothing wrong with me. We have decided against IVF for a number of reasons, and our donor doesn’t want to go to the clinic for ICI/IUI for various reasons (his fertility is fine – it’s more of a privacy issue).

So it’s at home, or nothing. Knowing will at least help relax me. If I can’t it’s better to know that now, than to try for another year. If I can, I can relax and know it will happen eventually.